MY PERSONAL EPISODE
In the previous chapters, we have studied and reviewed the Biblical factors included in the experiences of the Born-Again and Spirit Filled Life. At this point, I am compelled to become very transparent and personally vulnerable regarding my own involvement, observations, and conclusions about these life-changing experiences. Since it is not good research to build a research study using only one case study, I would also, like to share with you the insights and summaries of literally hundreds of conversations my world-wide friends have shared with me regarding their Born-Again and Spirit-Filled experiences.
Instead of pushing forward (or even hiding behind), quotes from Augustine, Calvin, Wesley, Luther, Arminius, and other historical theologians, I would like to take this opportunity to simply relate what I know and can give testimony to, regarding my own encounters with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. I respect and value orthodoxy and religious tradition, but I can only really attest to what I know, and have experienced for myself. Since the title of this work is: “I BELIEVE . . .” I feel that I should share with you by including this anecdotal and personal part of my findings.
I was raised in a wonderful Christian family. My father was a minister in an evangelical church. After pastoring a number of years, he became a professor of religion and related subjects at different academic institutions. From my earliest days, I had an intense interest in spiritual matters. I had a very tender heart toward the things of God. The concepts taught in the Bible not only piqued my curiosity, but simply made a whole lot of intuitive sense to me.
Throughout my life, I was exposed to the teaching and preaching of the Methodists, the Presbyterians, the Baptists, the Pentecostals, etc. I had, and still do have, dear friends in the Roman Catholic persuasion, as well as literally hundreds of very dear Jewish friends; and presently, I hob-nob occasionally with scores of my Muslim friends. For the majority of my eighty years here on this planet, I have observed and have had religious or spiritual conversations with folks I have met in over 150 countries of this world, where I have personally traveled and worked.
I was born before the USA entered into World War II. As the war was proceeding, the phenomenon of radio was taking off in a huge way. My Dad was a “visionary” of sorts in his ministry approach, and took to the airways. I recall that he conducted as many as seven radio broadcasts each week. I was only four years old, but he would have me come down to those awesome recording studios with him and sing to his audiences as he accompanied me with his harmonica. That was in the 1940s’! The people loved it.
On one broadcast, he was telling the radio audience all about the love of Jesus and how Jesus desired to come and live in the hearts of the people he loved so much.
On the way home from that broadcast, I asked my Dad if Jesus wanted to also come into my heart and live in me? He was smart enough to pull the car over to the side of the road and help me invite Jesus to forgive me of my sins and come into my heart. I was only four years old!
I’m sure that was why I was responsive and tender-hearted toward the things of God as I was growing up. But the years went on, and life eventually, got complicated. Lucifer would approach me in my own Garden of Eden with the same twisted logic he threw at Eve and Adam: “Surely, God didn’t mean ‘that’ when he said ‘that’ . . . and this ‘institutionalized church’ can’t possibly be the validation of all that God represents.”
It wasn’t open rebellion at the start – it was deadly apathy and substitution. There became a redirection of goals, desires, and energies – away from God and his Kingdom and toward self fulfilment and accomplishment. Before I knew it consciously, the three talented Jackson Brothers were head-over-heels involved in wealth-building and accumulation. We were good at it.
We created several successful enterprises and eventually became involved in real estate developing in the lucrative Colorado ski country. Thanks to the opportunities of getting in on the ground floor of such development opportunities as Vail, Winter Park, and Steamboat Springs, in the early 1960s and 1970s, our “Jackson Brothers Investments” company soon rendered us as multi-million-dollar young men in a relatively short period of time.
Interestingly, however, through unique circumstances, the Holy Spirit of God began to pursue my heart, my conscience, and the functions of my mind, emotions, and will. It was His Divine Initiative at work inside of me. The Spirit began to drill down deeper and with more intensity. I became more and more aware that I was not “right” with God. I became conscious of the fact that I had not kept all his commandments, and if I had broken the least of them, I was guilty of breaking all of them.
As the pressure of the Divine Initiative intensified, the more miserable I became. I couldn’t just blame it on my brothers, the institutionalized church, or the actions of others around me. I was the guilty one and the Holy Spirit did not desire that I should remain separated from Him. He was going to continue the pressure, so that I would once again be reconciled to Him in love. The Holy Spirit had not just waited for me to make the first move but had become actively involved in the experience of redemption.
One of the business enterprises we had created was an interstate trucking organization. We were able to acquire all the necessary interstate permits to move things around the country via our own large tractor-trailer rigs. One of the contracts we had landed was to transport very heavy military surplus armament from the U.S. military ordinance depot in Tooele, Utah, to the shipping docks in San Francisco, CA. to be exported overseas.
The process required us to use a huge crane for dismantling and loading the items. I was the crane operator. We had leased the crane from Atlas Equipment company in Salt Lake City. I was in the middle of a very heavy pick and my load was suspended in mid-air – when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a very scary situation. About half way up the large lift-boom I saw one of the cross members of the boom begin to slightly twist and buckle. With the heavy load out on the end of the boom, the main strut on the left side of the boom could not sustain the pressure – and it began to bend.
I had heard of industrial accidents like that before. I was situated in the control cab at the base of the boom butt. Should the boom collapse, the boom would come directly back and down and into the control cab crushing the operator. As I watched, I realized that the weight was now also causing the main strut on the right side of the boom to begin to bend. As quickly and smoothly as possible, I began to keep the pressure on the jib line, but ever so slowly release the main cable to allow the weight of the load to move downward, instead of allowing the weight to force the boom to collapse under the pressure and come straight back with all the force into the control cab.
It all happened so very fast. I still don’t know just how the heavy weight got down to the ground with the huge main boom buckled, and without it coming back against the control cab. We got a smaller crane out to the site and dismantled the bent boom from the large crane and loaded it onto one of our 40-foot flat-bed trailers. The next morning, we took the bent boom back to Atlas Equipment in Salt Lake City.
As our tractor and trailer rig rolled into the fenced lot, we were met by the fellow who had leased us the crane. He was amazed that no one had been killed. He later told us that the previous party that had leased the crane had used it with a huge wrecking ball attached to the crane’s cable. It had apparently been used to smash down a multi-storied concrete building. His excuse was that during the demolition the crane’s cable must have gotten tangled around the main boom and weakened the struts and cross members. “No problem,” he said. “Come back next Wednesday and we will have it all re-built and ready for you to resume your job!”
The Holy Spirit and His Divine Initiative was working on me all the way back to the job site. “You should really wake up and see what is going on. You need to repent and get your life straightened out. This is serious business and you are burning up your chances to make the right choice. I gave you the right to choose – you are a free moral agent – but I hold your life in my hand and I can have it at any time I decide to take it.”
The next Wednesday, we returned to Atlas Equipment and picked up the re-built crane boom. It was all nice, shiny, repainted, and ready to go. We returned to the Tooele Military Depot and reassembled the huge crane.
I had made only three or four heavy picks with the newly rebuilt crane when . . . Lo and Behold! -- the exact, same episode occurred – Again! Once more, it was right at the crucial angle of the pick. This time the huge boom crumpled even more. Once again, I don’t know how I was able to get the load down to the ground without the boom crashing into the control cab and killing me!
This time when we returned the crumpled crane boom, the Atlas Equipment agent was terrified and nearly in tears: “Did anybody get killed? . . . Did anybody get killed?” The men who rebuilt the crane boom were inexperienced and they mistakenly used mild-steel for the main strut sections and the cross members. “They were supposed to use hardened-tempered steel. We are so very sorry . . . I’m so glad nobody got killed!”
There was the Holy Spirit through Divine Initiative speaking directly to my spirit. “Why are you so stubbornly pushing this situation? Wouldn’t you really rather get rid of this load of sin and guilt and have Jesus forgive you and give you the peace and energy you really want?”
I’m embarrassed to say it, but it took even a while longer and some additional awakenings before I was ready to respond and turn and trust Christ alone.
A while later, we were working very hard at our real estate development in the Winter Park, Colorado Ski Area. The Holy Spirit kept up his constant pressure of Divine Initiative. My mind and all my moments were filled with the exciting adrenalin rush that comes along with busily crafting the details of the next big business deal. But beneath it all, I knew I had to get rid of the pressure and get my life straightened out with God. I needed to repent, ask for forgiveness, and find the peace that I somehow knew was available to me.
We were staying in one of our condominium units in Winter Park, that overlooked the beautiful Frasier River and the gorgeous ski slopes of Winter Park Ski Area. That night, after everyone else had gone to bed, I slipped out from my bed and went to the living room, where the glowing embers of the crackling fire in the fireplace were still smoldering.
I began to pray and cry to God, and ask him to forgive me of my past attitudes and actions. I wanted to turn from my contrary ways, repent, and trust him alone. He gave me the confidence, right there in front of that smoldering fire, that Christ’s sacrifice on the cross had paid the required price to forgive me, justify me, make me brand new, and adopt me into the family of God as a valued son.
In my published book, “The Happiest Man in the World” I go into additional detail as to how God dramatically changed my life and how I became involved in the church and ministry as well as continuing the wealth accumulating activities in “Jackson Brothers Investments” and other business enterprises.
Now, the guilt was gone. The pressure of the awareness of my past sins and the conviction of the Holy Spirit, now was strangely transformed into bright hope, new energy, and a sense of peace and deep gratitude. Why did I delay for so long?
For an extended period of time there was a sort of “spiritual honeymoon” where the euphoria and newness of the born-again experience seemed to dominate the hours and days. Then, slowly, the reality of life’s confrontations, and the bumps and grinds of everyday situations, and the old, familiar replay of common temptations, began to ruffle the smooth surface of existence.
I found myself needing to use my power of choice; and to on purpose, choose to change and alter some of my behavioral patterns. I noticed a new and enhanced sensitivity to “rightness and wrongness” and an increasing desire to seek out what God would want me to do in order to quickly pursue areas of obedience that the Holy Spirit was pointing out to me.
I also discovered within me a strong urge to learn more about what God was like and how I could develop an actual friendship with the person of Jesus. And all the time, I was experiencing a deep and satisfying sense of peace and quiet inside of me. There was a whole lot of learning going on inside of me!
A lot of the changes in my life’s attitudes and behaviors seemed to come rather quickly and easily. In fact, I was often surprised at how much I was changing from the fellow I used to be. And then, the Holy Spirit began to start drilling in on my dedication and passion for my involvement in my business life.
From the time I was a small boy, I had determined that I would be a millionaire by the time I was 25 years old. I look back now, and smile, because at that early age I am sure that I didn’t even really know what “being a millionaire” was all about. I just knew that I was going to be one!
My Mom had read books to the three of us boys about young boys in America who had grown up to be Titans of industry, commerce, and wealth. We learned all about James J. Hill, Andrew Carnegie, Henry Ford, John D. Rockefeller, Charles Schwab, John Wanamaker, and others. I was going to be one of those guys!
Once my mind and emotions were cleared of the pressure of guilt and regret, and my heart was free to focus on positive things of goodness and freedom, I began to notice that I was a different person in many regards. I began to see things from new perspectives.
I began to observe small but consequential details taking place in the activities and people around me. I was taking time to observe the consequences that were being set into motion by certain decisions and actions made in our business world. The Holy Spirit was helping me to see things I had never considered before. Could it be that my very core values were changing?
Another thing that was changing was the content of the intimate conversations between Anna Marie and me. We were childhood sweethearts and she has always been my very best friend and cheerleader. As we would be driving to or from someplace in our luxury cars, I would begin asking her brand-new types of questions. We started talking about subjects we had never discussed before:
“Why is it that none of the many business partners and close associates with whom I work, are happy? My Jewish partners are not happy. Even my life-long business partners – my own brothers – are not happy. We are all very wealthy and “successful” – but none is happy – and most of them have marriages that are falling apart and kids that are in a mess.”
“It seems like we are all chasing something and we can’t quite catch it. . .so we work even harder, and try to be more creative, so we can get together at a dinner or gathering and boast of the very latest deal we just put together, and the newest “whatever” we just bought. But nobody is really happy! Why is that?"
Our conversations along these lines seemed to increase in number and intensity. “I have yet to hear any of my friends and business associates talk about ‘How much is enough? What in the world are we doing?’”
Then, one day, in one of our candid conversations, I asked Anna Marie, “Do you suppose that it is possible that I am addicted to what I am doing? Am I as addicted to making more money – putting one more deal together – acquiring one more conclusive asset – as the pitiful, derelict down on the street, who is addicted to his drugs?”
“If that is possible – then how in the world do I get ‘un-addicted’? Do I start cutting back each month and each year until I finally figure out what’s going on? Knowing my ‘Type A’ personality, I really don’t think I could do that.”
“At this point in our lives, how do you just start over? – and even if we could start over, what guarantee would there be that we would do anything differently in the next attempt to get it right?”
Every once-in-a-while, I would get this funny feeling – kind of a “hunch”—could this be the Holy Spirit again; subtly, kindly, ever so patiently, working on me? I’m having some of the same feelings I had before, when God was faithfully trying to get me to see my need to repent and get rid of the load of guilt and past accumulated sins in my life. But I had not gone out and repeated those past offenses, and as far as I knew, I had been carefully obedient in everything I knew to do since my born-again conversion.
The weeks and months kept moving right along; with each hour packed full of busy assignments and obligatory appointments. The economy was stable, the demands for our recreational properties and income investments had never been greater. We were at the right place, at the right time, in beautiful Colorado, with exactly the right products to offer. We were making lots of money.
By that time, I had also become very involved in the church and in ministry. One night, I was returning home following a late meeting at our church down in Denver. Our home is located west of Denver in the lovely little foothills-town called Evergreen. It was March the 12th.
Our area had experienced a very heavy spring snowfall. The snow was packed high along the sides of the narrow mountain road. The storm had moved out and had left the cloudless sky to reveal a million bright, twinkling stars. The frozen snow on the branches and needles of the stately pine trees sparkled like diamonds in the crisp Colorado night air. It was a setting too beautiful to ever forget.
I reached down and turned off the radio and began quietly praying to God. I thanked him for the experience of such an overwhelmingly beautiful winter night. I also began to thank him for how he had changed my life, and I thanked him for Anna Marie and my two precious sons.
As I was quietly praying, God’s very presence filled that big Mercedes car in such a way that I was sure that if I would turn my head to the right and take a look, I would certainly see him sitting next to me in that big, plush, gray-leather seat!
Then he spoke to me in a very gentle and conversational voice. It was strange, because I don’t believe it was audible – but it was more real and understandable than audio. He asked me:
“Jim, do you really love me?"
“Of course, I do, Lord. I’ve been down at the church doing your thing tonight. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be out here so late,” I replied.
“Jim, would you love me like you love me tonight, if I took everything that you have accumulated away from you?”
Now, that got my attention! The leger-sheet of inventories and the financial statement began to scroll down inside my head: The ski developments, the apartment complexes, the mobile home parks, the offices, the warehouses – stuff scattered all over the place. I suddenly felt warm tears beginning to form behind my eyelids. Then, my answer snapped into focus in my mind:
“Sure, God, I’d love you the same, even if you took it all away – because, remember I started out with less than nothing, and now I know the formulas and I have the contacts, and it might take me some time, but I could get it all back again . . . sure!"
That wasn’t exactly what he had wanted to hear. It was really quiet in the car for a while – then he spoke again:
"Son . . . if I even took your abilities to earn and accumulate for yourself away from you . . . would you love me the same as you love me tonight?”
I was crushed that I hadn’t seen what he was getting at before. There wasn’t anything that I had that he wanted . . . He wanted me! I wept without reserve. There in that beautiful and awesome setting, the Holy Spirit of God, himself, had reached out to me in love, gentle kindness, and faithfulness. He had made the first move to make me aware of my need. He did not want me to live a life of debilitating conflict. He wanted me to live a life of spiritual maturation and harmonious unity with him.
God was showing me that my own selfish “want to” was always going to be in conflict with his divine “should do” until we applied a remedy to take care of that original sin nature that had made me get caught up in sinful acts in the first place! I was slammed with the realization that I could no longer just slide through the eternal conflict, employing just a business-as-usual attitude toward the problem. But along with that realization, also came an overwhelming sense of hope, and a quiet awareness that I was being introduced to “a more excellent way.”
At that moment I realized that even though the setting was magnificent and beautiful, yet I was desperately involved in a horrific battle for moral mastery on the inside of me. I had made the accumulation of wealth and earthly stuff my God. I had listened to the diabolical sales pitch of Lucifer, just like Adam and Eve had, and I had allowed myself to become addicted to the deadly drug of selfishness and material accumulation. That was the real God I worshipped.
Through my tears, I said aloud: “God, if you really want to do business, I am ready to do business with you! I totally surrender my life, and all there is of me to you. Please be faithful to me and show me what I now need to do.”
Well, you can only imagine what it was like to go home and relate to Anna Marie what had happened to me. In the past, I had watched other people with drug addictions try to conquer their problem and get healthy again. It seemed for them that the most successful route was to simply go “cold turkey” and stop doing what it was they were doing.
So, I invited Anna Marie to join with me. We would take all our earthly accumulation and simply give it away to God’s Kingdom work. We would just start over again. If I ever put any more deals together, they would be for God and His Kingdom Business. But there would never be any mistake as to who would be the real owner. I have nothing against money and nothing against good business deals – but I never again wanted to make the mistake as to who is the owner. There will only be one God in my life – I am simply determined to: allow the Holy Spirit to live the life of Jesus Christ through me to the glory of the Father!
I found reinforcement and confirmation in the words of the Apostle Paul, who also had journeyed through some life changing experiences. He had decided that whatever alternatives had to be forfeited, he would be willing to do so, in order to use his power of choice to embrace God’s plan. He valued and worshipped God more than anything else in the world:
But all these things that I once thought very worthwhile – now I’ve thrown them all away so that I can put my trust and hope in Christ alone. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have put aside all else, counting it worth less than nothing, in order to that I can have Christ, and become one with him . . . Now I have given up everything else – I have found it to be the only way to really know Christ and to experience the mighty power that brought him back to life again, and to find out what it means to suffer and to die with him. So, whatever it takes, I will be one who lives in the fresh newness of life of those who are alive from the dead.
I don’t mean to say I am perfect. I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward the day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be.
No, dear brothers, I am still not all I should be but I am bringing all my energies to bear on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God is calling us up to heaven because of what Christ Jesus did for us. (Phil. 3:7-9, 10-14 TLB)
Next Week: My Anecdotal Adventure (continued)
